Firstly, thank you for reading this section and I commend you for even being willing to be a support. As a spouse you may feel that you don’t have a choice, but you always have a choice, and it is that power to choose that will sustain you through the difficult days ahead. On behalf of your significant other, I thank you. Your support may be the difference maker on their road to recovery

In this article when I talk about support, I am referring to ‘emotional support’ and am avoiding the very serious issue of ‘financial support’ which is a topic that will be covered more in book #2 – ReStore.

Supporting the supporters

1. How have you have been impacted by the crisis?

You can’t be a support to your spouse if you ignore how you have been affected. In the situation where both spouses are working in the same business, then the business collapse has a ‘double whammy’ effect. Both incomes are gone; possibly the house, often the cars and these losses are compounded by issues of blame and the ultimate guilt trip, “If only you had listened to me!”

Either way, you will be significantly impacted – don’t underestimate its effects on you.

2. Who will support you?

You will need to look to your support network – your friends and family. Who can you count on for emotional support?

But don’t be surprised if the people you thought you could count on aren’t willing or able to be there for you. Equally, you will be amazed how support often comes from the most unexpected sources.

3. Renewing YOUR strength to support them.

Providing emotional support for sustained periods can sap anyone of their inner strength, no matter how much you love them. So, where will you find the strength to continue being a support in the months and even years ahead? (Yes, sometimes it takes years) You will need to renew your strength daily and in book #2 we look at a range of ways to ‘plug in’ to energy sources.

Understanding what they are going through:

Where are they on the crisis/recovery curve?

Knowing this will determine how best to support them. Are they in the Descent phase, at Rock Bottom, or in the Ascent phase? (See diagram)

Have they made a Limited Recovery?

How much time has elapsed since hitting Rock Bottom?

How hard did they hit?

These are all considerations in knowing what to expect from them and how to support them. Telling someone who is lying bloodied and broken at Rock Bottom to “Get over it!!” is not good timing. Whereas, if they are stuck at “Limited Recovery” 5 years down the road, telling them that it’s time to “lift their game” could be very appropriate.

This is a brief overview of some areas covered in the book #1- ReBound:

The three core psychological needs of all human beings are:

(a) safety and security

(b) affection and esteem

(c) power and control

We all face circumstances in our lives where one of these categories is threatened, but we are able to face those threats by drawing strength from other areas. However when all three categories are threatened at one time, as often happens in business collapse, it is like an emotional earthquake that breaks the foundations of our lives. As with all major earthquakes, it takes time to rebuild after disaster.

A typical scenario:

(a) Losing your source of income, your means of transport, your family home or your life savings can be perceived as a significant threat to a person’s sense of safety and security.

(b) Losing your social networks, business associates, reputation and even self-respect can be seen as a threat to your sources of affection and esteem.

(c) Losing the control of your business, the freedom to make choices, the satisfaction of being a good provider for your family and of being ‘the master of your own destiny’ are just a few areas where a person’s sense of power and control over their lives is threatened.

The biggest loss of all – the loss of identity

It is difficult for anyone who has not lost a business to understand how much of a person’s identity is tied up in their work and achievements. Many who have experienced business collapse first-hand will testify to having experienced an overwhelming sense of emptiness and of feeling ‘lost at sea’. This is especially the case for males who so often attach their identity to what they do. The significance of ‘identity’ doesn’t have much meaning for you until you lose it.

This point leads into a question that is often asked “Why is it that men are often more adversely affected?

Certainly loss of identity is a large factor but also men often have a huge emotional investment in their business or achievements, whereas women are more likely to have invested in relationships. When a business collapses, people who have invested in lasting and dependable relationships are better placed to ride out the storm.

Another factor is that men place great significance in being a good provider, even though most households today rely on both partners to ‘put bread on the table’. If a man can no longer provide or has failed in his attempts to be a good provider, this tends to compound his sense of failure and if depression sets in, it is not uncommon for them to just ‘give up’ for a time.

Feeling depressed or down is a very normal response after a period of prolonged challenge and they may describe it as not having any ‘wind in their sails’. One man describing his experience said “For about two years I felt like I was stuck in neutral gear, the engine was still running and I still knew how to drive the car but no matter how much I wanted to – I just couldn’t get myself into gear.”

Given time and support we naturally recover from these sustained low periods but sometimes this can develop into clinical depression and that’s when you need to seek medical advice for your partner and focus on daily renewing your strength to be a supporter.

‘ReBounding from Depression’ is a whole chapter in book #1 – ReBound.

10 Tips for supporters

1. Give them permission to grieve.

This is the most important and the most ignored step in recovery. Western culture has not made grieving a socially acceptable behaviour, especially for men. We haven’t had it modelled to us by our parents and peers and many simply don’t know how to grieve. Yet unresolved grief is a major hurdle to restoring healthy minds, bodies, relationships and even for business.

2. Be a ‘safe’ listener.

‘Telling your story’ is a powerful serum for recovery. Unfortunately, a lot of men aren’t good at talking or expressing their emotions. They tend to bottle things up and then these emotions are expressed through inappropriate and harmful means. The key to getting them to ‘talk it out’, is patience and creating an environment where they feel safe from judgement and condemnation. They will never open up if they’re afraid to be shot down.

If you feel this is too difficult for you, then find a patient friend who can substitute as a ‘safe listener’. Make the effort with this now and you will reap the long-term rewards.

3. Give them time.

You can’t buy recovery at a MacDonald’s drive-thru – it simply takes time. How long? Six months is remarkable. Two to three years is common. Really, it’s impossible to put a time frame on these things, everyone is unique. But the more support they have the better their chances. There are stages to recovery:

Stabilisation – Consolidation – Re-Positioning.

4. Forgive them.

Easy to say – but hard to do!

Undoubtedly, you are also suffering as a direct result of the business collapse. You may be paying the price for some poor choices your spouse/partner has made. You might have every right to yell “Why didn’t they listen to me” that’s why it is so important for you to forgive them – even if their not asking for it AND even if they don’t deserve it.

5. Lower your expectations of them without losing respect for them.

It’s a strange thing when the supported has to become the supporter, especially when it is thrust upon you by circumstances. Like a role reversal, once you may have depended on them and now they are depending on you. The person you knew is gone and you’re wondering when the old person is coming back. Usually, the old person never comes back, but with your help, gradually a newer, wiser person will emerge like a phoenix from the ashes.

6. Believe in them.

They may not verbalise their loss of faith, but it is characteristic that self-belief is one of the first causalities in business collapse. Having someone who believes in you when you have lost belief in yourself is one of the rarest and most powerful gifts that one human can give to another.

7. Dependable relationships are foundations for recovery.

A business collapse is a huge test of any relationship but they are anchors which hold us steady in the storms that follow. The better the relationship, the better the recovery. Work on it, it’s worth it. By the way, for men, sex and food are good relationship builders. (Hey, I’m a man, you know I had to throw that in)

8. Help build new routines in their life.

Previously, all their routines revolved around their business or job but when the business disappears so do the routines and normal patterns of daily life. It is surprising how much security we derive from them, but routines help to create a sense of safety and control over our circumstances. But the old ones are gone and need to be replaced with new ones.

9. Help them build new friendships and social networks.

It is a sad fact, but you will lose a few friends as consequence of losing a business and you will also find out who your real friends are. But having good friends and new social networks are as important for you as for your partner. Unfortunately in their low state, it will fall on you to be one to establish and build new friendships.

10. Encourage them to get regular exercise

– eg. go walking everyday with them. Good luck on this one!!

On behalf of the person you are giving support – I thank you. And hopefully one day they will come to realise what your support has meant to them.

The next page on this site discusses the topic of "Depression"

Life After Liquidation

ReBound

from business collapse

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